Salazar asked:
They waited at a corner bench of the train station under a shadow covered by the overhead roof. Ally sat in a chair reading The Daily Article, listening to the singing birds that flew by. The day was young, while the train was in sight and rode on by the train tracks. People lined up in front of the train giving their tickets to the ticket holder. Jamie and Ally stayed a pew waiting for the other passengers to go on.
“Let’s go honey,” said the husband. They started up the path to the train readying their tickets. Ally carried a rucksack and one suitcase, Jamie comprised himself of only a hiking backpack, with a canteen filled with Dania water. They handed the tickets to the man and got on the train. “Where should we sit?”Ally asked. “How ‘bout over there by the old man and child!” The husband and wife trailed the sits, going through a roar of children. They sat parallel from each other one facing the other.
“Hello there!” the old man said staring at Ally’s eyes. Making sure to keep them locked. He wore a tattered shirt with an oddly colored pair of pants, and a cowboy hat looking wide eyed at her. “Hello, are you headed into to town too?” she felt her side, scraping away the tedious itch. “Yes, yes I am,” he tasted his lips tugging the youngsters shoulder. “This is my grandchild, Edward,” he shone his face to them. “I love candy and popsicles,” the little boy said. He sat on the seat, curling himself into a ball murmuring something.
Mountain Gear
They waited at a corner bench of the train station under a shadow covered by the overhead roof. Ally sat in a chair reading The Daily Article, listening to the singing birds that flew by. The day was young, while the train was in sight and rode on by the train tracks. People lined up in front of the train giving their tickets to the ticket holder. Jamie and Ally stayed a pew waiting for the other passengers to go on.
“Let’s go honey,” said the husband. They started up the path to the train readying their tickets. Ally carried a rucksack and one suitcase, Jamie comprised himself of only a hiking backpack, with a canteen filled with Dania water. They handed the tickets to the man and got on the train. “Where should we sit?”Ally asked. “How ‘bout over there by the old man and child!” The husband and wife trailed the sits, going through a roar of children. They sat parallel from each other one facing the other.
“Hello there!” the old man said staring at Ally’s eyes. Making sure to keep them locked. He wore a tattered shirt with an oddly colored pair of pants, and a cowboy hat looking wide eyed at her. “Hello, are you headed into to town too?” she felt her side, scraping away the tedious itch. “Yes, yes I am,” he tasted his lips tugging the youngsters shoulder. “This is my grandchild, Edward,” he shone his face to them. “I love candy and popsicles,” the little boy said. He sat on the seat, curling himself into a ball murmuring something.
Mountain Gear
What do you think of my story part?
Mountain Gear
February 9th, 2010
Gold Bracelets
Rearing in quaffed monk, you stun me by employing eight windows when the priest is but iodine.
Mountain HardWear Sale
February 10th, 2010
Car Auctions
Sounds interesting! If I were reading this story, I’d want to keep reading. But I’d be waiting for something exciting to happen. This is the type of story that starts slowly, but goes straight into a world filled with excitement and wonder.
I do like the idea of this, and think you should continue writing it. But try to incorporate something that will have your readers sitting on the edge of their seats reading to bounce through the roof.
=]
Camp Stoves
February 13th, 2010
Men’s Jewlery Rings
Its great, I’m also a writer so I think I can give you a bit of advice. I hope.
I just think you should add a bit of smell to that story. Do you understand me? You know, what does it smell like outside or on the train? And also I want to know what colour the suitcase is. Just little details like that you know. Not too much detail of course, just enough that it feels like you’re there.
I love it and hope you keep writing.
18k Gold Bracelets
February 15th, 2010
Sterling Silver Boxes
The quality of the writing seems to be decent for someone of your age, but I personally feel you’re making the mistake a lot of young writers make. You feel pressured to include every single action of the characters in painstaking but monotonous detail, even if it’s adding nothing to the writing. I’m not saying detail is a bad thing, I just think parts like “Ally carried a rucksack and one suitcase, Jamie comprised himself of only a hiking backpack, with a canteen filled with Dania water.” do nothing to further the story, nor are they enjoyable to read. If you perhaps try to liven sentences like this up, I think it would add to the quality of your writing.
Don’t get disheartened by what I’ve said because it shows potential and is much better than most people your age can write.
Read a wide variety of books and you’ll find your writing improving and your vocabulary widening naturally.
Black Titanium Ring
February 15th, 2010
Princess Cut Engagement Rings
i liked it! there were a few parts that could use a bit of help, so I’ll try to point those out to you
1. When you introduce that they are husband and wife, it just felt a little weak to me. you could say “and so husband and wife walked onto the train” or show one of them playing with their wedding band, or something…
2. Another thing that felt weak was the bit of dialogue: “How bout over there by that man and child.” it just was a bit stiff and unnatural. If you’re going to show someone where to go, usually you’re going to point too, so people aren’t going to say “by the old man and child” its just unnecessary.
3. cowboy hats don’t have eyes… or at least they don’t in the real world, and if this is a fantasy world, then you should probably bring that to the readers attention
Okay, so just a few minor things I thought you could work on
I love how in the end, Edward seems to be a bit insane. very creepy 
So, I hope I could help
good luck and happy writing