Camping Discounters

Vj asked:


i've recently moved in with an old friend (i have been living in another state for the last 10 years) at his invitation. he needed a house-sitter/roommate for his home because his job has generally been taking him away 3 weeks per month and he worries about leaving his 4 bedroom house vacant and unmaintained. i am planning a move to france in spring of next year, so it seemed like a great temporary situation for me with someone i like. i am a female mild introvert in my early 40's, as is he.

i moved in sept and spent the first 3 weeks in the house alone. though i made a big effort not to disturb the existing arrangements, he wasn't here and had left no space for me; the cupboards, closets, and even all the bedrooms were filled with furniture. my room is in the basement which also has a tiny bathroom and a sitting area, but no cable, internet, kitchen, or outdoor access. i assumed we would share the communal areas (kitchen, living, dining) and made the mistake of using those areas for about 1-2 hours a day in the first week or two he was here. i started sensing a very irritated vibe from him, but couldn't figure out what was wrong. he never said hello or goodbye, refused any invitation i offered (meals,dvd,etc), and generally acted irritated or interrupted whenever i asked him a question(practical things like garbage days, where to put things, ect).

my feelings were hurt and i started to withdraw into the basement. to his credit, after about 6 weeks, he did hook up a wireless internet box so i can use my laptop downstairs, and hooked up an extra basic cable box he had, but this seems only fair as i am paying rent and 1/2 of all the bills (including his tivo which isn't wired downstairs). 4 or 5 days would go by without our speaking to each other. silence and quiet are fine with me, but this quiet is tense and feels almost faintly hostile...

last time he left for 2 months and scheduled a kitchen remodel during his absence (which he had not warned me about before i moved in). for 4.5 weeks i had no stove, no sink except a miniscule bathroom basement sink, no kitchen counter, plastic on the walls and floors, etc. he left me with the responsibility of dealing with the contractor, choosing wall paint color, chosing tiles, and making all many decisions in his absence. i even ended up paying over $1,000 expenses for him (which i don't mind, he is totally responsible, i just want to show i'm making an effort). i cleaned the entire upstairs (or should i say HIS space) after the work was finished out of necessity. he got home 2 weeks later to a spotless house, paid bills, etc. he didn't thank me for any of it, just said he was sorry he had figured the work would only be a couple days.

after arriving home last week he said he wanted to decorate the house for xmas, and go get a tree. we went together to buy a tree (our first joint activity of any kind in the 4 months since i came), which i paid for, and then he immediately started complaining that he wanted to go home. so we put the tree in the garage, and i told him that whenever he was ready to decorate to let me know. he ends up "sneaking" the tree out the garage door and around the house (so he doesn't pass me holed up in the basement), takes it upstairs, and decorates it while i am downstairs on the computer waiting for him to come get me. when i later went up to the kitchen for a drink i see the tree up, the decor finished and he is relaxing on the couch. it's very clear that my presence upstairs isn't desired.

i can't help but take this as an indication that he doesn't want me living in his house. we don't speak except for a few words every 4-5 days, and i'm living in a dark basement afraid to even cook a regular meal for myself because i feel like i'm disturbing him doing anything upstairs.

so five days ago i told him nicely that i was looking for another place and would be out as soon as i could. he acted suprised and asked why. shocked, i told him it obviously wasn't working out and cited several examples of why i felt "bad energy". he didn't say much, and i went back downstairs. the next morning he came downstairs and said he wanted to apologize. he said he had thought about it all night, he had acted like a jerk, he completely understood how i felt and he was sorry he had hurt my feelings. he said he was just "that way", and that it had nothing to do with me. THEN he said not only did he want me not to have to move, but that he both wants and needs me to stay as he will be traveling for 2.5 months beginning late jan and doesn't want to leave the house empty.

how do i live in this situation without constantly getting my feelings hurt? i tell myself this is not about me, but long ago we used to be great friends, and i feel like his behavior has not just signaled lack of caring, but actual contempt. though he says otherwise, his behavior makes me feel like i am doing something wrong just by being here. i

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